not to you
by joiedevivre2011
Summary: It had been three months and two days since I officially turned down Casey's proposal and mailed the ring back to him. [quick one shot based on a sentence prompt I found on tumblr]


Originally I set out to write a little ficlet for BostonRocket and this is the result. Hopefully she's still okay with this. :)

Let me know what you think!

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><p>It had been three months and two days since I officially turned down Casey's proposal and mailed the ring back to him.<p>

Two days shy of five weeks since I woke up in the hospital after the incident with Tasha.

Two days shy of five weeks since Maura brokenheartedly told me I'd lost the baby.

A baby I never really wanted, but was coming around to the idea of having, if for no other reason than to see the looks of ecstasy on both Ma and Maura's faces.

Now here _he_ is, standing on the other side of my open door, dressed in his uniform, looking me in the eye.

Casey Jones, former almost-fiancé, in the flesh.

I take a deep breath and release it as controlled as I can, as Maura has been trying to teach me for years to do.

"May I come in?" Casey asks me quietly.

The only barely lingering English accent that once made me weak in the knees now has no effect on me in the slightest.

My lips form a thin line as I step to the side and gesture for him to come in. Closing the door behind him, I remain standing close to it, arms folded across my chest.

Maura would point out that having my arms like that would indicate I am feeling uncomfortable or defensive.

She'd be right on both counts.

He turns to face me.

"Why are you here?" I ask, though I already have a pretty good idea why.

"Is this," he gestures between us, "really over? Is this really the end, Jane?"

I swallow the lump in my throat, though why it's there, I'm not quite sure. Glancing down I reply, "I mailed you the ring back. I wrote you a letter." I look back up, my resolve returning. "Was I not clear enough?" Neither my words nor my tone hold malice. I truly mean no harm and I know he knows this.

"But is this the end?" he asks again. "There's no more us at all?"

"We're both married to our jobs. You know we could never be married to each other because of it," I say simply.

He frowns at me. "You're still not answering my question."

His insistence strikes a nerve. "I'm not going to be your American soil mistress, Casey."

Clearly he is taken aback by my response. "So even if I were to resign-"

Before Casey can even finish his sentence, I interrupt with finality, "No."

That word seems to have sliced right through him, cutting deeply. "So that night when you told me for the first time that you could see us married, living here in Boston, with children? You don't really want that?"

Sighing, I uncross my arms and run my left hand through my hair as I lean back against the closed door. "I thought I did until-" I immediately stop myself.

He looks at me curiously. "Until what?"

I take a deep breath and tears sting my eyes. Immediately I look down, ashamed. "Until I found out I was pregnant."

"You're-"

It's all I can do to just shake my head no because what I really want to do is sink into a heap of still largely not-yet-felt emotions on the floor where I'm standing. Still avoiding his gaze, I whisper, "I h-had a miscarriage."

"You were pregnant and you didn't tell me?" It's easy to detect the spark of anger in his voice.

Clenching my jaw, I look up sharply. "I was still in my first trimester, Casey. I would've told you when it would have mattered for you to know."

"So did you mail me back the ring before or after you found out you were pregnant?" The expression on his face hardens.

"After," I reply, my own anger now slowly rising to the surface.

"So you were going to say yes until you found out you were pregnant with _my_ child?"

"No. Finding out I was pregnant only made me know for sure I didn't want to marry you!" I reply angrily. "When that stupid fucking plus sign showed up, I'd already made my decision, but do you want to know why I knew for sure I couldn't marry you? Do you really wanna know?"

He stood there silently, waiting for me to respond, his jaw clenched.

"Because the first images that popped into my head weren't of me raising the baby with _you_, Casey."

Much to my surprise, his expression softens.

"The first images that popped into my head were of me raising the baby with _Maura_."

All he can do is stare at me.

"I can't get married, Casey. Not to you."

He nods, acknowledging what I'm not specifically saying. I think he is too shell-shocked to say anything further.

After several awkward moments of silence, he speaks again. "I suppose I should leave then."

I move away from the door and pull it open for him. As he steps toward the hallway, he stops abruptly and meets my gaze. "I never really had a chance against her, did I?"

Once more I look down in shame.

"Have you told her?"

I can't bring myself to say or do anything, but he knows.

"She won't wait forever, you know."

And with those words, he steps out of the apartment, pulling the door closed behind him.

Only seconds later there's a knock on my door, before I can even step away from it. Quickly I open it, expecting to see Casey once more on the other side, but instead there stands Maura.

She looks like she's seen a ghost. "I just saw-"

Before she can even finish, I step forward and place my hands just below her ears, fingers tangling themselves in golden brown locks as I kiss her harder than I've ever kissed someone in my entire life, as if it's my first and only chance.

She pulls back with a gasp, eyes quickly searching mine. My hands drop immediately to my sides.

I know she can see the fear written on my face, but I'm also hoping she'll see the love.

Clearly she understands everything because within seconds her lips press against mine again and the only thing we can do is lose ourselves in each other.

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><p>The idea for this came from the WriteWorld tumblr sentence prompt "I can't get married." Just FYI.<p> 


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